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Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had
a long-standing obsession
to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous
breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.One day, he
revealed
his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician,
who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed
that
he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange
it. Without hesitation,
Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.The next day,
Horatio the Physician made
a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she
dressed,
the itching commenced and grew intense.Upon being summoned to
the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
Physician
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for
four hours, would cure this type of
itch, and that tests had shown
that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
antidote to cure the
itch.The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon
Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the
antidote
for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth,
and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's
voluptuous and magnificent breasts.The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left
satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio
the Physician
demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his
obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less,
and
knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter
to the King, he shooed Horatio the Physician away with
no payment made.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder into the
King's loincloth. So the King quickly summoned
Nick the Dragon Slayer... Moral of the story: Always pay your bills.
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a young man asked a girl
"Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the young man lived happily ever after
and went fishing, hunting, played golf, drank beer,
and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A
STRANGE BUZZING
NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,
UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE
NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING
THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE
WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED,AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET
TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES,
THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING
AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING?" THE HUSBAND REPLIED:
"I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."
Recruiting 101
Thibodeaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana
National Guard, got
called up to active duty one day. Thibodeaux's first assignment was to a
military induction center,
and because he was a good talker they assigned him
the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially
the GI
insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began
noticing that
Thibodeaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental
form of GI insurance.
This was odd, because it would cost these low-income
recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared
to what the
government was already providing at no charge.
The Captain decided that he would not ask Thibodeaux
directly about his selling
techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next
briefing and observe
Thibodeaux's sales pitch.
Thibodeaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has
da normal
GI insurance an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da
governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out
da supplemental
insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da the governmen' gots
ta pay you beneficiary
$200,000!"
"NOW," Thibodeaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq
first?"
Dear alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're
even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family
gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests
at heart, I
feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with
chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve
my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than
45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little
penance for our previous evening's debauchery
may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.
My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to
going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would
like to ensure that
we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm
(pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO
SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS
THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive
disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have
sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer.
Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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