George Carlin's New Rules For 2006

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you  
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the  
captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're  
a seagull.
People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a  
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did  
you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde  
teachers are permanently damaged.
I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.
If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a  
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of  
them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket ââ'¬âEUR?  
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is  
called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over  
ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop f***ing with old people.
Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with  
a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time  
grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.  
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,  
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,  
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,"  
ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,  
entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want  
cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to  
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make  
you spiritual.
It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef  
with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were  
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're  
just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because  
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned  
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're  
already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M.
If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old  
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a  
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the  
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:
No more gift registries.
You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and  
new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you  
want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's  
the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
and this one is long oerdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I  
just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's  
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.
"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And  
I didn't really care in the first place.